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When I don't get an instant reply, I get washed and dressed and settledown to work. When I'm not working (or being pestered by Becca & Riley),I'm sending Jamie yet more messages in the hope that she'll eventuallyreply, and when she does, my hands actually start to shake."For god's sake," I whisper to myself. "You've known the girl for ages,she's clearly as into you as you are into her, stop being so fuckingnervous..." I briefly chat with Jamie, during which she invites me aroundfor a coffee date tomorrow. After we've finished our 'chat', Iimmediately open up my email and compose a message to my counsellor,requesting a meeting tomorrow morning.I make sure I'm awake extra-early for the 9am meeting (the only free slotDr Phillips had), and all the way there, I mentally run througheverything I want to say to the middle-aged woman."Hi Stuart," Beverly says as I enter the office and sit down in my usualplush chair. "Your email mentioned that you urgently wanted to see me-have you thought. I feel I owe you that much.How it happened was I was sitting cross-legged on my bed, fumbling through my cardboard box of restraints. Joel, my roommate at the time, was standing by the doorway, digital camera in hand, watching me with an enthusiasm he wasn't very good at hiding.He'd known about my sexuality since a few months beforehand. That I enjoyed being tied up, I mean. He also knew I was bisexual, but that never seemed to matter by comparison. That was more a romantic orientation than a sexual one, anyway. Sexually, I'm submissive, and that's pretty much all there is to it. Joel wasn't into that sort of thing, and I didn't see him that way anyway, but this wasn't sex. This was something more than that.I felt like one of those middle aged guys having a midlife crisis, only I'm a woman and I was only in my twenties. The problem was mortality. I know that death's necessary for life, for each species to evolve, for us to get to the state we're in at the moment where we have a.
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